


Hidden Scars (Connor Murphy x Reader)

by WhereIPutTheOtherStuff



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluffy, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 15:34:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12820596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereIPutTheOtherStuff/pseuds/WhereIPutTheOtherStuff
Summary: Inspired by a request I received on tumblr where the reader has self harm scars and is scared that Connor will break up with them when he finds out.





	Hidden Scars (Connor Murphy x Reader)

_RING_  
Finally the school bell rang signalling the end of your last lesson of the day. It had been a long one that had really dragged on. Walking down the hallway you blend into the sea of students excited to get home, tomorrow was the start of the weekend after all. Finally you stop at your locker and sort out the array of textbooks you store there before grabbing your bag.   
You jump slightly as you feel an arm wrap around your waist. 

Quickly you turn around to see that it was your boyfriend Connor. He rests his head on your shoulder.   
"Don't make me spend the whole weekend at home with those people." he said in a whiny voice similar to that of a small child who couldn't persuade their parents to buy their favourite sweets. You giggled as you look at him. He wore a dark hoodie and black skinny jeans. His face partially covered by his long dark brown hair.   
"Those people? Don't you mean your loving family?" you smiled as you raised one of your fingers and booped his nose. He playfully pouted at your response. 

Mr Connor Murphy, your brilliant boyfriend who you had met a couple of months ago. You were both outcasts at school that had oddly never seen each other before then. But boy you were so glad that you did. Sure you both had problems but nobody is perfect. He had a drug problem which was his only way of coping with personal demons and a disfunctional family. However, after meeting you, he seriously reduced his use of them. You fondly remember him saying 'You are the only drug I need from now on'. Sure he had his lapses when things got too heavy but he was doing ok. He was changing and for the better. And you... Well... You now cared about yourself a lot more. The past year things had been rough and you coped by hurting yourself. Once you started it became more of a need. Despite the growing number of times it happened, nobody else would seem to notice these instances. Like when you would sometimes turn in for the night early or unexpectedly would have to leave the room alone.   
However since you started dating Connor you self harmed less as you started to notice how much he loved you. Making you realise perhaps you were worth more than you thought. For the past couple of weeks you had not cut yourself at all or even wanted to. However due to the scars on your arms, you wore long sleeves every single day, despite the rising heat of spring turning to summer. You kept it from Connor because you were too afraid that he would think less of you, even though nobody hated you as much as you did last year. 

"Well if it isn't the two lovebirds." said the familiar yet highly irritating voice of Jared Kleinman.   
"Jared" Connor said as he flipped Jared off. It looked like the feeling was mutual.   
"What are you going to be getting up to this weekend?" you asked him with interest.   
"Not much (Y/N), not much. I have a Game of Thrones marathon planned and I'll be playing a game online with a friend." he replied. Did the kid ever go outdoors apart from his trips to and from school?   
"You're welcome to join me. Perhaps school shooter here could get some practice on call of duty." he added with a laugh.   
"I'll text you and let you know." you smiled. You started to find it difficult to focus as Connor pulled you closer to him and started to lightly kiss your neck. Making it very clear to Jared that he grew bored of his chat and wanted him to leave.   
"You'd better take him home. Looks like Murphy needs feeding." Jared grimaced before walking away. Both you and Connor laughed. 

Even though Jared had left, Connor continued to cling to you. He really must not want to go home. Weekends for you were a chance to spend time with family, complete any outstanding homework and go out and explore. However this weekend, you did not have anything planned.   
"Why don't I go round to your house tomorrow?" you asked almost nonchalantly. Connor's body tensed up. You had met his family once before but it was not the most pleasant experience that you had ever had. However you did want to get to know them better. His Mom did actually say that you were a 'good influence on him' before the huge fight broke out over dinner. 

"No sorry. Forget I ever suggested that." you say slightly flustered, you did not want to make him angry. You looked at his face and actually saw an expression of concentration. He thought for a moment and then sighed.   
"I would like you to come round tomorrow." he said quietly to your surprise. You tilted your head to one side in confusion.   
"We could go somewhere in the morning. Then my parents are out meeting family in the afternoon, surprisingly they didn't want me to join them. Also Zoe is visiting a friend in the afternoon." he said, now with more commitment in his voice. "I would love that." you say excitedly.   
"Come round at nine?" he asked.   
"I cannot wait." you say, kissing Connor's cheek before walking out of school. 

As soon as he arrived home, Connor rushed upstairs to his bedroom. You were visiting tomorrow and it was in no fit state to be seen by you. By tidying tonight, it meant that he could sleep for a little longer tomorrow. Not that sleep ever came easily for him. He frantically hid all of his drug paraphernalia in the back of his closet under a sweater that he never wore. Taking an air freshener out of a drawer, he placed it on his desk. He had saved it for such an occasion as one of your visits.   
As the Murphy family were eating, he tried not to make eyes contact with anyone, acting as naturally as possible.   
"A friend of mine is dropping by tomorrow morning. So when the doorbell rings it's them." Connor said in a blasé manner.   
All of his family stared at him in shock. Connor still had you as a friend? 

You woke up early Saturday morning. After eating breakfast you decided what to wear. There was still a chill in the air so you decided on jeans, a t-shirt, boots and a jacket so your scars could still be hidden. You kept your jacket unzipped as it was quite warm and it was meant to be a sunny day. You apply your makeup, nothing fancy, before brushing your hair. Staring at the mirror in satisfaction as you looked at your outfit. You didn't want to go all out, you just wanted to look nice. Glancing at your watch, you saw that the time was eight thirty.   
"See you tonight." you call out as you grab your bag and walk out of the front door. Slowly you walk down the street until you reached the Murphy household. You were a little bit early but Connor wouldn't expect any less from you. 

The door opened and you were greeted by your boyfriend looking effortlessly gorgeous as always. He wore a dark red and black chequered shirt and his trusted black skinny jeans. His hair looked less messy than usual. Opening his arms widely, he grabbed you into a hug.   
"Hi" you said in a slightly stunned voice. You were kind of shocked that he would so openly display his affections in front of his family but the guy was full of surprises. Still hugging you he leaned his weight forward, making you take a couple of steps backwards. Now out of the doorway he released you from his grip and turned round to face his parents that were staring at him in disbelief.   
"See you later." he called to them before leading you off of the front lawn. Oh, so he didn't want you to enter the house whilst his family was still there. 

To your surprise it was actually Connor who suggested that you both went to the shops. It wasn't so you could buy anything, it was just so you could go people watching. Also it was nice to be outside instead of the stuffy classrooms that you had been stuck in all week. Slowly the pair of you walked past the various window displays that lined the streets. Connor holding your hand in his, which he occasionally swung gently back and forth. The both of you laughed at the various array of weird and wonderful people that passed you. You were certain that you saw Jared in the Lush store but Connor wouldn't let you go in so you could get a better look. 

"Why don't we stop here for a minute" Connor said as he ushered you into a Starbucks. He must of seen that your legs were growing tired as you were starting to walk slower.   
"Grab a table, I'll be back." he said. What did you want, you thought to yourself as you dug into your bag to rummage around for your purse. Before you could start to look for him, Connor returned with his hands full. He placed in front of you a cup of hot chocolate with extra cream, marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles. He also gave you a big chocolate chip cookie. How did he know that you were hungry? There was also the same drink and cookie for him too. You started to dig money out of your purse.   
"How much was it?" you asked.   
"Nothing" he mumbled. You raised a suspicious eyebrow and pouted.   
"My treat" he smiled. You really couldn't argue with that face.   
"You are too nice to me." you replied mirroring his smile. Connor playfully poked his tongue out at you, making you laugh. Your response made him chuckle. After finishing your refreshments, the two of you made your way back to Connor's house. He was certain that it would be deserted by now. 

After making your way back, Connor scrambled around for his house keys before opening the door. The Murphy's house was huge, filled with various expensive items like the widescreen television in the lounge and the small statue that looked like it was made by a five year old but was actually worth thousands of dollars. Your eyes widened as you looked around the place. Connor chuckled at your reaction, it seemed odd to him because it was just his home, nothing special.   
"Come on you." he said before taking your hand in his and leading you upstairs. 

Connor's room was a typical teenage boy's bedroom. The walls were painted in a light blueish grey color and they had a couple of band posters pinned to them. There was a double bed with navy blue sheets. In the corner was a desk and a closet opposite it. On the wall was a television which was hooked up to an Xbox. It smelt oddly pleasant which you were surprised by before you spotted the air freshener on the desk. It looked like he had made an effort for your visit as the entire room was spotless. 

He sits on the end of his bed cross legged and pats the space next to him with his hand, urging you to sit next to him. Which you do.   
"So... What do you want to do?" he asked.   
"Hmm... We could get a head start on our homework." you answered with a straight face.   
"Woo Woo! Nerd alert!" he replied making siren noises which resulted in you both laughing. You eyed up the xbox, you were secretly very good at video games, especially call of duty but you could see that if you won it might cause an argument. You wanted to do something relaxing though. Your eyes scanned the room.   
"Why don't we watch a movie?" you suggest.   
"What kind?" he asked eagerly. He must of liked the idea.   
"You pick. What ever you like, I'll watch." you replied with a smile.

He flicked through his movie collection before he picked one that caught his eye. One of those old obscure horror movies that was more cringey than scary. It wasn't really your sort of thing but after seeing how Connor's face lit up when he spoke about it, you couldn't say no. The movie was enjoyable even if you did unconsciously grab onto Connor's arm when a scary part made you jump. Your eyes began to wander. The glow of the television screen illuminated him perfectly. His face looking even more chiselled then usual, framed my his hair that cascaded onto his shoulders. Your eyes travelled down to his hands.   
"Oh no your nail color has all chipped off." you say whilst looking at his fingers.   
"Can I repaint them?"   
"Sure, go ahead." he replied, his eyes never leaving the television screen as he was too engrossed in the movie. Luckily it was dark so he couldn't see the mischievous grin appear on your face. Reaching into your bag, you pulled out some nail polish. Ten minutes after you painted his nails, the movie had finally finished. 

Standing up, you walk over to turn the light on. You watch Connor out of the corner of your eye as he looks down to his hands. His face turns to one of disbelief as he raises his hands to get a better look at his fingers.   
"What...  The hell... Is that?" he growls slightly. His finger nails were no longer his usual black. You had painted them with a bright purple glittery nail polish. The expression on Connor's face was absolutely priceless.   
"Do you like it?" you say whilst trying to suppress your laughter. "It looks good on you" you giggle as you couldn't hold it in any longer. 

"Bullshit." he says through gritted teeth but with a big smile on his face. Quickly standing up he starts to chase you around the room playfully as you run away from him. Hiding behind his bed before dashing the other way, just before he could catch you. Both of you giggling as you ran. As you stood still for a second to catch your breath, Connor lightly rugby tackled you, sending you backwards onto the bed. As you laid down, Connor put an arm each side of your shoulders, pinning you there.   
A mischievous grin appeared on his face. Before you could protest he started tickling you, making you roll around in laughter. You wriggled around on the bed trying to get him to stop, your stomach now starting to hurt from laughing so much. As you continued to move, you didn't realise that your jacket slowly slipped off of your shoulders and fell to the floor. It was only when Connor had stopped laughing and his eyebrows had knitted into a worried frown, that you noticed that your jacket was missing. 

"Wait... What?" Connor said in a confused voice that was no louder than a whisper as he stared at your arms in disbelief. Oh no, here it comes. He finally knew. You hoped that it would be atleast a few more months before he saw them. But now he knew the truth. You were damaged goods. Your arms forever spoiled by the hatred that you had felt for yourself. Each scar another mark of imperfection. What did Connor think? Thoughts flooded into your mind. Why would he want you now. He's probably not going to say anything now but text you later saying that the two of you should break up. 

You stared at Connor as tears started to slowly fall down your cheeks. You hated yourself and he probably did now too. When he finally looked up at you, you could see that his eyes were slightly red as if they were contemplating about forming tears themselves. It hurt his heart that you would even think about hurting yourself like this.   
You start to quickly move and try to grab your jacket from the floor. Connor gently grabbed your arm to stop you.   
"Hey" he said quietly as if he was scared that he would startle you if he spoke any louder.   
"I'm sorry. I-I really d-didn't want you to see me like this. I understand if you w-want to break up with me. I've made myself so-so hideous." you splutter as more tears fell.   
Opening his arms wide, Connor scooped you up into a hug. Gently he stroked your hair and saying "shh" soothingly whilst you sobbed into his chest. Connor had patience that you didn't even know about. He hugged you in silence until you had calmed down. He would only talk when you were ready.   
  
Pulling away slightly you looked up to see his face. It had a serious expression and his eyes were slightly watery. The truth was that he found it heartbreaking to watch you be so upset and he was trying his best to hide it.   
"I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to think less of me. I already have a hard time accepting what my arms look like." you say in a quiet voice. Connor smiled as he took your head in his hands. Using his thumb, he gently wiped the tears from your cheek.   
"Are you crazy? How could I break up with you." he said as his piercing eyes stared into yours. "You always have been and always will be perfect to me."   
"How can I be perfect... I mean just look at me." You mumble as your eyes looked down as you spoke. A few seconds of silence passed before you looked at Connor's face again. He chuckled in disbelief at what you were saying.   
  
"Well let me tell you what I see." he said as he took one of your scar covered arms in his hands, raising it so it was closer to his face.   
"I see a beautiful woman." he said and then kissed one of the scars on your arm.   
"Who is gorgeous" he kisses two scars.   
"Incredibly intelligent" kissed three scars.   
"And... Sexy as hell." Connor smirks before kissing several more scars and then planting kisses all over your now smiling face.   
  
"Come here." he said as he pulled you into a hug once more. The sound of his steady breathing calming you. The sparkle of Connor's now glittery purple finger nails caught your eye and made you giggle.  
"The purple nails really do suit you." you smiled as you looked up at him. Connor shook his head slightly.   
"Shut up." he chuckled before pressing his lips on yours.  


End file.
